How to Support a Friend or Family Member Experiencing Domestic Violence.

bones. It can look like a friend who has stopped laughing as freely as she used to. A sister

who flinches when her phone rings. A colleague who makes excuses for her partner so often

that the excuses have become a second language.

If someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, you may feel helpless, frightened, or

unsure of what to say. You may have already tried to help and been pushed away. You may

be wondering whether it is your place to get involved at all.

Knowing how to show up for someone in an abusive situation without making things

worse is one of the most important things any of us can learn. This article will walk you

through how to do exactly that.

Domestic violence is not limited to physical assault. It is a pattern of behaviour used by one

person to gain or maintain power and control over another in an intimate or family

relationship. It includes:

•Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, choking, pushing, or any form of physical harm

• Emotional and psychological abuse: constant criticism, humiliation, manipulating, gaslighting, and threats

In Nigeria, domestic violence is alarmingly common. Research indicates that approximately

1 in 3 Nigerian women has experienced physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

Many more endure forms of abuse that leave no visible marks but cause deep and lasting

harm.

Understanding the full picture of what domestic violence looks like is the first step to

recognising it in the people we love.

                     Signs That Someone May Be Experiencing Abuse

Before you can offer support, you need to be able to see the signs. A person experiencing

domestic violence may:

 

• Seem anxious, withdrawn, or unusually quiet especially around their partner

• Make frequent, elaborate excuses for their partner's behaviour

• Appear fearful of making decisions without their partner's approval

• Have unexplained injuries or give inconsistent explanations for them

• Lose contact with friends and family over time

• Show a sudden change in personality, dress, or behaviour

• Have limited access to money or need to ask permission for basic purchases

• Have limited access to money or need to ask permission for basic purchases

No single sign is definitive on its own, but a pattern of these behaviours is worth paying

attention to.

How you approach the conversation matters enormously. The wrong words  even well

meaning ones  can push someone deeper into isolation. The right ones can open a door.

 Things that help:

"I've noticed things seem hard lately. I'm here for you no judgement." This tells

them they have been seen without pressure to confess or explain.

"I believe you." Three words that can change everything. Victims of abuse are frequently

disbelieved by family, friends, police, and religious leaders. Hearing this from someone

they trust is powerful.

"What you are going through is not your fault." Abusers are skilled at convincing their

victims that they caused the abuse. This needs to be said, clearly and often.

Removing the pressure to act immediately makes it safer to talk.

help looks like for them.

                                      ❌Things that harm even when said with love

"Why don't you just leave?" Leaving an abusive relationship is not simple. It can be the

most dangerous moment for a victim. Finances, children, housing, family pressure, fear,

love, and trauma bonds all complicate what looks simple from the outside. This question

communicates that you do not understand the situation and it places responsibility on the

person being harmed.

"But he seems so nice." Abusers often present extremely well to the outside world. This

comment minimizes the victim's experience and can make them doubt their own reality.

"Have you tried talking to him about how he makes you feel?" Domestic violence is not

a communication breakdown. It is a deliberate exercise of power. Framing it as a relationship

problem both parties need to work on is dangerous.

"Think about what this will do to the children." She is already thinking about it. This

statement adds guilt to an already impossible situation, and it prioritises family structure over

her safety.

"What did you do to make him react like that?" This is victim-blaming, regardless of

how it is intended. There is no provocation that justifies abuse. Full stop.

1. Listen Without Rushing to Fix

Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions. In many cases, what a person in an abusive

situation needs most is to feel heard without being told what to do. Sit with her. Let her

speak. Do not fill every silence.

2. Stay Connected

Abusers thrive on isolation. One of the most powerful things you can do is simply refuse to

disappear. Keep calling. Keep checking in. Even if she pulls away, let her know you are still

there. One consistent, safe presence can make the difference between someone reaching out

for help or not.

Abuse systematically dismantles a person's sense of self worth. Gently and consistently

remind her of who she is beyond the relationship  her qualities, her abilities, her history

before this partner entered her life.

4. Offer Practical Help Without Conditions

Sometimes help looks like keeping important documents safe for her. Sometimes it is

looking after her children while she attends a support meeting. Sometimes it is slipping her a

number to call. Offer what you can without attaching conditions about what she must do in

return.

5. Help Her Make a Safety Plan

Even if she is not ready to leave, help her think through how to stay as safe as possible while

she is still in the situation. A basic safety plan might include: Identifying which rooms in

the home are safest (avoid those with weapons or no exits), Knowing a trusted person to call

in an emergency, Having a go bag ready with essentials (ID, money, medication, important

documents),  Identifying a code word to use with you if she needs help urgently.

6. Know the Resources

Be ready to share information about organisations that can help  so that when she is ready,

she has somewhere to turn. In Nigeria, she can reach out to:

• SiMMSI (Singularly Me Mothers Support Initiative)  singularlyme.org | We

provide a safe platform, counselling referrals, and support for women experiencing GBV.

• WARDC (Women Advocates Research and Documentation Centre) legal aid and

support for survivors

• FIDA Nigeria (Federation of Female Lawyers) legal representation and advice

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (Nigeria) — 0800-VIOLENCE

(0800-845-3662

Supporting someone through domestic violence is emotionally exhausting. It is normal to

feel frustrated when she returns to the relationship, frightened for her safety, or overwhelmed

by the weight of what she has shared.

Find your own support, whether that is speaking to someone you trust, joining a

community of advocates, or simply giving yourself permission to feel the difficulty of

walking alongside someone in pain.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Protect your own wellbeing so you can continue to

show up for her.

If you are reading this because someone you love is hurting, you are already doing

something right. You are paying attention. You are refusing to look away.

That is where all change begins.

Domestic violence ends when communities stop treating it as a private matter and start

treating it as everyone's responsibility. At SiMMSI, we believe that every woman deserves

safety, dignity and the freedom to determine her own future.

If you or someone you know needs support, reach out to us at singularlyme.org. You do not

have to face this alone and neither does she